Fifty Shades of Grey (Live Review of an Awful Film)

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)
R / 2h 5m / Drama, Romance

– It’s just behind this door

– What is?

– My playroom.

– Like your xbox an stuff?

Welcome to my very first Live Review of an Awful Film! I ran a poll on twitter asking for advice on where to start with this and roaring stampede of 14 of you were most interested in Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) because.. well it is awful. So let’s talk about it. Here we go.

fifty-shades-of-grey-558dd34beff09

This is the dumbest collage in the history of collages.

I Put A Spell on You is wildly appropriate for an opening song. Oh look, Christian is a runner and a sharp dresser. Hard to find one of those these days. Oh look, Ana drives a shitty car and wears converse and has bangs and an average face. Hard to find one of those these days. The Grey office is full of lady bots in every shade of… you guessed it… GREY.

Of course she trips into the door.

To what does he owe his success? Well, a dark childhood and rich parents for one.

“SOME PEOPLE SAY I DON’T HAVE A HEART” HAHA. WHO NEEDS A HEART WHEN YOU HAVE A PENIS AND 50 DIFFERENT TIES IN 50 DIFFERENT SHADES OF THE SAME COLOR TO TIE 15 DIFFERENT GIRLS TO THE SAME BEDPOST.

Okay, in all seriousness, this interview encounter was not realistically enough to spark as much interest as what is being led on. I could ask a random stranger the same questions, tell them I think they’re trying to hide how much they love warm and fuzzy things and you don’t see me chained in a red room with my name on a dotted line. FUCK.

Ana, will you be my intern? I wanna smash you, but not violently. But kind of.

As an actual human being, I would have left that room and never thought twice about that conversation.

Who is this photographer guy? It’s been 2.5 years and I still don’t know. Mom is selfish and I HATE her.

So strange that Christian is in the hardware store Ana works at two hours away… cable ties, tape, rope, dry humor – Christian is getting laid tonight!!! (Ana isn’t.)

“Call me before 10” and there it is – the start of an insanely controlling and weird relationship.

Post-call coffee date – so demanding, so weird, so mean having to leave that early. Oh, he saved her from being run over by a bicycle, oh he’s telling her he’s not the man for her. Ummmmm… when was that ever implied in this short time?

“Stay away from me, I’ll send you books in the mail tho” – this is rated R, yall.

Ana is drunk and it’s cute. He IS bossy Ana RED FLAG NOW.

“I will launder this item” after puking in Christian’s hanky is the funniest thing Ana has ever said and will ever say.

Ana seriously got so anxious about possibly drunkenly sleeping with christian and wow whew if only she knew what was going to be up in like 30 minutes! He’s trying too hard right now with the innuendos and it’s going over her head so extremely. LOL he doesn’t know she’s a virgin yet. Just wait, Christi Chris.

WHOA. “I will not touch you until I have written consent” leads me immediately to convicted sex offender, IDK about you. Elevator moment… “fuck the paperwork” ? well that violates the parole for sure.

How convenient – the brother in law dating the best friend.

LATERS BABY. HAHA. LATERS BABY! Jord likes to say this to me sometimes.

Okay, so the helicopter date was really cool. Personally, I am terrified of both helicopters and sex offenders but – holy shit he just told her “no escaping now” – but I might swallow my fear for a few more 100 year old books sent by mail. Of course he’s a pilot. Okay they’re looking at each other sweetly, I am a fan of eye conversation. Oh dang, he brought her home.

Well, there’s some paperwork. “Are you going to make love to me now?” for 300, Alex.

“I don’t make love, I FUCK HARD” – god are you a child with a youtube channel mr. gooder than a bitch?

At this time please refer to the top of this post for my favorite quote of the whole film. That just happened. His xbox and stuff.

So, he is not a convicted sex offender, it seems.

With Ana being a virgin her reaction to the playroom was unrealistic and way too mild. She asks – do women do this to you? He says – I do this to women. GET OUT OF THERE YOU SWEET, INNOCENT WEST COAST BABY GIRL.

So right now she is trying to understand why she would want to be a submissive and it is not registering (as told by her face) and he’s like I’ll reward you!! With myself!!! But don’t forget the non disclosure agreement you already signed!! So you can have like, my secret self!! 

God this is fucked up. And to think this all started with a perverted Twilight fan with a tumblr.

Here it is. The virgin bomb.

Welp, he took care of that real quick. Romantic. So nice. What a great story for the kids. Yeah yall I lost my virginity to my dom so that he would agree to be my dom – no, I said dom, not dad.

I think Ana has a cute bod, but she’s really breathy – like a bad, bad mouth breather. Constantly.

This is the worst porn I’ve ever watched. I read that the cast and crew weren’t even in the room for these scenes and this is what they come up with?

Oh, look. He slept in the same bed with her. Shame, now she thinks she’s different than the rest.

Breakfast scene was cute. Bathtub scene was cute.

Christian’s adopted mom is the crazy religious lady Mrs. Carmody from The Mist (2007) – I give that role of hers credit for the gradual atheism I experienced in my mid – teens. Thank you for pushing me in the right direction! Now, did you know your son is objectifying women in a violent and horrible way for his own psychological pleasure?

So there’s this contract… and it won’t make us love each other but it will ensure that I have an orgasm and your ass will be exfoliated for 6-18 months.

Oh okay, elementary bondage and a singular booty slap. I was worried Ana would never have a normal sex life after this but I don’t think she’s in much danger.

Ana says she doesn’t like anal fisting or fisting in general or clamps or suspension, does not want to be bound by tape – but how does she even know?
Christi Chris says her business meeting skills are impressive so he rewards her with one date a week. wow thanks dad.

Champagne out of teacups? No wonder he wants to bruise. her. butt.

I want to take you to my playroom. I want to play your xbox, Ana.

I’m so mad the sex scenes aren’t as severe as the situation is portrayed!! I feel like it’s fucked up but I want to SEE it being fucked up. This is all greenlight BDSM. She’s going to get a crick in her neck if she keeps rolling her head like that.

BUT I DO LOVE THIS VERSION OF CRAZY IN LOVE. THIS SONG TURNS ME ON MORE THAN ANY SCENE IN THIS FILM.

Aw, I love her pink dress! Sweet innocent Ana, who’s kind of into being tied up and tortured for a man’s pleasure because she’s never known sexuality to be otherwise!

Here it is – the I want a real relationship convo that Christian asked for because he made her feel special and different. Way to go dude.

I’m glad Ana is going to see her mom even though her mom’s relationship is causing her major depression because she’ll never be normal and she’ll never have Christian as a husband to feed carrots to.

WHAT THE FUCK – this man is so bad about showing up unannounced and it gives me extreme anxiety. GA are you ready for Christi Chris?

Okay, I wasn’t ready for that glider scene!!!!! Seriously one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen!!!! What is up with Ana being wooed with aircraft???!!!!! That scene was so incredible!!!!!!

Back in the playroom. How will Ana fare this time? with a lEaThEr wHiP? Why is Christian always wearing jeans while she is fully nude? Why did he only give her 4 lashes? Christian is the nicest dom.

I’m fifty shades of fucked up – HE SAID IT HAHAHAHAHA

Ana asked to be punished as bad as possible – she she was – like she literally got what she asked for – and she left him.

~ The End ~

I can’t believe there are sequels. I really hope you enjoyed this – I don’t know if I did. But I’d like to do more. Thanks for reading!

fifty-shades-of-grey-550c75c122ed9

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s